It is dangerous to ever be running at full capacity ... what if something that requires more of you shows up and must be done?
Computers, hotels, etc. are never running at full capacity, even stuffing the stomach to full capacity is a recipe for indigestion. If one is nearing capacity, the nos should start stacking up.
To exhaust capacity is to live precariously. Whatever we do, there must always be the space to act on something if the need emerged. I'd rather be accused of laziness for having this capacity than risk crushing from being overstretched and overwhelmed.
Oh yes love that you bring these concrete examples into play - youre so right! Society would crumble if everything was always at full capacity, yet many still gets pushed into burnout which I’d think of as some sort of abuse of capacity don’t you think?
We all need to be aware of our own capacities in various circumstances 🙏🏼
Yes Patrick! And I’m thinking of how when I’ve got my computer running multiple programs it gets loud and hot. It’s telling me “this is not sustainable.”
Sometimes my mind is like the equivalent to a computer with too many tabs open - then it freezes, and it’s time to start closing all non-essential tabs!
Yes, Caroline, and if you don't stop, it'll shut down to prevent damage. It's surprising that we humans cannot learn from things we create. It is only us who insist on pushing ourselves to breaking point.
Yes, it is, that you can work 16 hrs in a day doesn't mean you should.
Personally, I never do all that I can with all things, partly because I have never met or found anything that deserves my 100%, and also because whatever I want to do and can do, it must always be the case that I can do more.
But that's just me, maybe some people like to run at 100%. I don't envy them though.
There’s so much we “can” do but probably “shouldn’t” - right in point as always.
I’m with you, the more time goes the more I strive for balanced capacity. I think it may be one of the things that makes motherhood (parenting in general) tricky because suddenly you do have something that deserves 100% of your capacity, yet you’re unable to give it or else you will deplete yourself and the 100 will diminish to nothing.
Yes - for many people the Protestant work ethic is so deeply ingrained that they worry if they aren’t visibly, even frantically busy. When I was signed off sick with burnout I felt utterly useless. But now I feel that some of us are called to step aside from the rat race and cultivate exactly the capacity the writer refers to, otherwise who will be around to respond with compassion and time to those in need?
Indeed, Miranda. We can get so used to work to the point of feeling useless when, for some reason, we cannot do it. However, as you rightly put it, some should "see the light", even if only so that they can show compassion to the many who may not.
My friend was given some advice recently as she just became a new mum, which she shared with me and I think is in keeping with capacity.
The idea is that we wake every day and determine how much energy or capacity we have to give. For example, you might wake up and feel utterly rubbish and think "I am only going to be able to achieve the bare minimum today, which requires say, 30%".
You take this into consideration when planning your day, sharing responsibilities with significant others and factoring in necessary daily tasks. It's also important to be open about what capacity you DO have to give with people around you.
Some days you'll have more capacity than others, some days you'll be on a home run, experiencing consecutive days of 80% plus. On those days you might feel able to go for lunch with friends and then pop round your in-laws for an afternoon cuppa, before coming home and cooking a new recipe from scratch. Or you might not. Everyone's capacity percentage is individual to them.
What I took from this little piece of advice was to think about what energy YOU need for YOU, and then what you have "left over" to dish out during the day. Don't be handing out energy recklessly because you might find yourself without the energy needed to complete some of your necessary tasks, and we all know what it feels like to have done very little some days and then feel annoyed at ourselves for not achieving anything throughout the day.
We might be able to cut ourselves some slack and feel more accomplished if we started off those days knowing we only had x% capacity to give to begin with.
Yes love this! Thank you Charlotte for sharing this!! I resonate very much with it as I’ve progressively unscheduled everything I could since becoming a mum to have as much wiggle room as possible… you cannot plan if your baby will be up all night or not, so always need to have the backup of powering through on zero sleep for example at which moment the capacity will be very limited for anything else than you and your children.
To always remember the capacity at the start of each day definitely takes off the guilt feelings that tend to come otherwise…
Yes! This is brilliant advice. To look at it in this way makes so much sense. You wouldn't spend a limited budget on a new pair of shoes say, if you didn't have enough to pay the bills, well probably not anyway. The critical things for ourselves we need to do first. Otherwise too, what good are we to those around us if we run ourselves to the limit?
Ohhh capacity, yes!! I always go back to thinking about airplanes and oxygen masks. There’s a very real reason that we’re asked to attend to ourselves first; I can only help you once I’ve helped myself. I can only give to you once I’ve allowed myself space.
Yes 🙌 another fabulous example of where limited capacity is seen in the real world.
Thank you!! Even though this one was collaborative I still want to give the most credit to my husband as he did the biggest job with all the tiny French knots… 🫣❤️
I love this analogy, and it’s the reason I changed careers, it got to the point where I was giving so much and not getting what I needed in return. I was a teacher, which takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, and while I loved my job, I got to a point where I had nothing left to give. My capacity was depleted, so I have nothing to offer others.
Oooh I feel you on the iron! I had issues with it in my teenage and it was a dread when it hit. Better balances now thankfully 🙏🏼 love your capacity awareness Sarina 🥰🥰❤️
I love your HD awareness. I'm finding, as a Sacral being with a LOT of openness, my energy is not as big as I always acted out. It has been a beautiful learning curve to align with my natural energy flow. ✨
I am a projector, as well - and a highly sensitive empath. I can get drained so easily. I’ve had to learn to plan for 1-3 reset days after any events that I know will require a lot of energy and interaction.
While I like using the concept of capacity as a way to gauge one's wellbeing, I have changed around how I approach looking after my wellbeing more than 5 years through ensuring that whatever I do is in alignment with what matters to me, ie my values. For example, even if I may have the physical capacity for a friend asking to go out but what they're suggesting does not suit me, I feel it wouldn't be great for my mental or emotional wellbeing in the end. I still do believe that the choices we make (and don't make) every day in every part of our lives is always tied to our wellbeing... Whether we feel the effects of it immediately or years down the track. ☺️
Yes you bring up such good points in reflecting the difference between physical, emotional and mental capacity and how they all intertwine 👏 I’m the same to a large extent (also when thinking of whether to accept a work proposal etc). Just that I never thought of it in the terminology of capacity. It suddenly simplifies everything for me.
I love this frame. When I was promoted to my last job (an exec/C-suite role), one of the major changes I had to make to my approach was to make sure I didn’t stack my days so full that I couldn’t be available to react or support the team when things came up. I love the idea of broadening that approach to leaving myself some capacity so I am not already overbooked when opportunities arise or when I need some space to think, sleep, whatever.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience in such a concrete way - if we fill up all the space there’s, as you say, nothing left for emergencies, opportunities and even more important perhaps the lack thereof (rest, eat etc).
I also resonate with the concept of capacity! I’m not sure I had the words to call it out so clearly before Emma’s interview, but I know it’s something I’ve been actively aware of since my youngest turned 16 and became more independent.
It’s been a year since she began to drive and can now get herself where she needs to be. And I came to realize just how exhausted I had become over the last decade of running her to all her sporting events, building a business with my husband, trying to keep up with the house, and still make incremental steps towards my own creative ambitions.
Now that I have more time and space, I’m unapologetically establishing boundaries with everyone around me - and protecting them fiercely - so I have the “capacity” to return to my half-finished manuscripts and unrealized dreams.
I’ve already been navigating life based on intuitive resonance and alignment - now that addition of the capacity perspective feels like it creates the perfect trifecta 💕
Oh I can totally see what a shift that must be when the children no longer need you to the same extent… I imagine I will almost have forgotten what it’s like to have time over 😅 inspiring that you’re sure to reclaim that time right away and set those boundaries - thank you so much for sharing your story Darcey I really appreciate it 🥰
Yes, it’s a huge shift - so savor every moment of their youth while you can Elin! 🥰Protecting my boundaries has not come easy. It took a year just to begin to adjust to the changes. And I still have bouts of ambiguous grief that are difficult to describe. I highly recommend you create good boundaries and self care practices throughout the entire experience of motherhood. Especially during the first three years when postpartum depression can last longer than you expect. If I’d had a bigger support system I would have done that. By the time my children were grown it felt like I’d forgotten how to take care of myself.
This hits me and I’m acutely aware of it (speak about it frequently with my husband) as we have no support system around at all. Just moved as well so will hopefully slowly build up friendships with time but no family around to support either and have the children home full time. It helps me tremendously that we both work from home so my husband and I try to share as much as we can and do a lot of things all together which fills my cup a great deal and that I’ve designed a “work life” that is based on my passions and creativity and I can choose when and what to work on… taking your words to heart ❤️
I am mind-blown. Lately have been running at full capacity which leaves me pretty much no wiggle room to step out of that to do, well, anything. It's insane. It's pretty lame, but I've been looking for permission to step back a bit and this might have been my sign to finally do that. Thanks Elin!
You’ve got all the permission in the world (most importantly is to get it from yourself 🙏🏼❤️) to step back a bit! I know exactly how it is to run at full capacity (which also often happen without one’s aware permission?!) you’ve got this Tiffany 💯🙌
I so relate to this in regard to postpartum depression. I’ve felt increasingly at capacity over the last year since my daughter was born and subsequently have had a noticeable dip only mental health and mood but I can’t yet see where or how to make the changes that I need to gain back some space. For me it’s a physical and emotional capacity I think.
I’m at capacity finding the time to care for the physical needs of my daughter, dog, household stuff and make/create art in order to feel good but the day is so jammed packed that I feel like I’m careening from one thing to the next without the ability or time to pause and reflect. Often making and creating is what gets dropped to not even make room for stuff but just so the cup doesn’t totally overflow. But the making and creating is what connects me to everything so it hurts when I don’t have time or space for it.
Emotionally and mentally I feel completely at capacity grappling with the changes to myself/my identity in becoming a mother, supporting my husband through some big life stuff in the last few years and supporting/building a strong relationship with my sister. I have had absolutely no capacity to take on new or nurture existing friendships and a lot of relationships have fallen by the wayside leaving me feeling very isolated and lonely (on top of the loneliness that I think comes with the first years or so of motherhood). I know that staying connected to people would be helpful but I feel so at capacity that I can’t and it becomes a vicious cycle.
One a side note, I so enjoy your writing Elin. Even when I can’t make/create myself I still find a small reprieve resting in the creativity of others.
Oh Pippa I feel you so much on all of this ❤️❤️❤️ through both the transition into motherhood with all it entails emotionally, physically, (identity wise) I’ve also sadly reached capacity for some friendships and just not had the energy to keep it up. Throw in three international moves and it hasn’t been ideal… and it it wasn’t for my oldest to meet new friends I’d happily be hibernating for a good while longer rather than trying to find new relationships and yet I can also feel lonely never having experienced the “village” or “support system” that so many are referencing being vital for their survival. So paradox but so real. You’re not alone in whatever you’re feeling 🙏🏼❣️
Grateful to have you here and so glad you enjoy my writing, it means the world to me as it has lightened up a little fire inside again after a long period of “just carrying on”. I’m now able to connect and express through my phone after bedtime while being a present mom during the day 🙏🏼🥂 win win!
When I became chronically ill I learnt I’d been running at full capacity all the time. Always the yes person, always the perfectionist. And my world tumbled down. Ive had to learn about energy envelopes and learn to stay within them. To exhaust my capacity now will seriously impact my health for weeks to come. It’s been a hard and very necessary journey. Self care for me is now about self preservation. Maybe that’s how it needs reframing, not the self care that’s an extra and quite nice to indulge in, but self preservation that is necessary and a right not an indulgence.
As someone who is still trying to understand how to NOT work on full capacity at all times (and has already experienced burnout because of this), I can attest that always operating at full capacity NEVER helps. It's draining. There were days where I felt like I could not breathe because "wait, did I not allot time for breathing in my life?"
It sounds weird, but we unknowingly forget to do basic things like taking a moment to breathe when life gets chaotic. Thank you for writing about this Elin, because acknowledging this is a huge step. And I hope more and more people get to read this.
Thank you Mansi for reading and for being here! It’s very true also that it takes time and effort to learn to rest…. I’ve had to learn that the hard way 🙏🏼
Yes, capacity is a familiar concept to me. In fact, one of my favourite phrases is "cultivating our capacity". Our well-being has everything to do with our capacity and I have found it is about listening, listening within and checking how our energy is doing. Do we actually want to do that thing or is that one of our shoulds that is urging us on. I've found rest, as hard as it is to most of us in this fast paced world, can be just as, or even more "productive" than simply doing. I have a whole gripe around the word productivity in general. Perhaps it is time to redefine that according to our individual energetic capacities. Wouldn't that be a nourishing world to live in?
Oh yes you’re so right Sylvia, would be a less energy draining world at least! I’ve also started to find that resting is sometimes more productive than anything else (napping with my kids for example) 🙏🏼
I am currently discovering my capacity. As a 26 year old new to the entrepreneurial journey of a freelancer.
There have been times before I went on my mental journey of recovery when I was always over-encumbered with everything and couldnt possibly have time, yet I Still tried to help others even though I couldn't help myself.
Now fast-forward a couple years, I feel my internal is at peace. or as close to it as possible.
I Battle with procrastination (who doesnt right?)
Now it is trying to find what the "Balance" is between actig out on my dream of helping others and taking time for myself.
Most the time I feel I dont put in enough work, but there are moments where I feel burnout is taking over.
It’s always a slippery slope and as someone who has been an entrepreneur my whole adult life… I think it’s a never ending journey of trying to find balance as the external circumstances constantly change… doesn’t mean it’s impossible just that it emphasizes on flexibility (which is really the greatest benefit of creating your own thing)
I'm reading the book "The Practice of Groundless" by Brad Stulburg, and I think the premise aligns very much with what you are sharing. We live in a society that is "go go go"; We are taught to achieve and be outcome-based.
This constant striving leaves us empty and eventually without "capacity."
In 2022-23, I lost 140 pounds and have kept it off so far. What's different this time is that I've consistently focused on actions that align with my values and cultivated feelings of joy. I've had various levels of capacity for different levels of effort throughout the journey and adjusted based on that. It's become a practice of being okay with where I'm at right now and being OK with and recognizing what I have the capacity for.
Oooh instantly adding that book to my tbr list! Thank you for sharing, really appreciate it - so valuable to hear various stories of how the recognition of capacity has impacted one’s life
I hated when I would see people trying to sell “self care” to woman in the early stages of motherhood. It was always so unrealistic unless you have a baby who slept through the night and napped for 2 hours 3 times a day and was happy to lay on a play at the rest of the time!
I love the idea of framing self care as finding things you won’t do, taking away instead of adding when you are really at the point of no capacity. And after a while when your capacity increases you will be able to start adding.
I feel you so much on this one Tansie!! Due to these unrealistic narratives, especially for new mothers, I ended up feeling like a failure so often (my first is a very strong-willed who woke me every hour for the first year and refused to nap during the day too…. It was…. A disaster 😅)
It stands to reason that pushing our capacity to the limit would be bad for us and yet we do it, or have done it. Over and over. Is it because we let things creep up? Just another little thing to add to the list that ends up pushing us over the edge?
It's taken years of self-awareness to notice that my limit for capacity, or my energy levels as I see it, are very finely tuned. If I don't pay attention, it can be disastrous. Self-protection is key for me now. It means my life is different to how it was. I love my quiet life, even though I know friends and family find the change in me..... unfathomable perhaps?
It’s very interesting you me think how friends and family are amazed and can’t fully grasp it…. I’ve experienced similar in various situations and I think it comes down to learning to understand and listen to ourselves compared to what others expect of us 🙏🏼 thank you for being here Susan!
This conversation has really made me think about this.
I choose to spend my time painting and running a business around this - website, socials and Substack etc and it takes up most of my time. There is so much less of me to go round others. Consequently, I miss out on social time with friends. That's my choice, it's what I choose to do most of the time because it's important to me. But that makes me a little sad too.
I do meet up with friends for lunch occasionally but I don't drink for example, any more. I'm 58 this year and I have dreams I want to achieve. My capacity isn't what it used to be and so I have to be mindful of those choices.
It is dangerous to ever be running at full capacity ... what if something that requires more of you shows up and must be done?
Computers, hotels, etc. are never running at full capacity, even stuffing the stomach to full capacity is a recipe for indigestion. If one is nearing capacity, the nos should start stacking up.
To exhaust capacity is to live precariously. Whatever we do, there must always be the space to act on something if the need emerged. I'd rather be accused of laziness for having this capacity than risk crushing from being overstretched and overwhelmed.
Oh yes love that you bring these concrete examples into play - youre so right! Society would crumble if everything was always at full capacity, yet many still gets pushed into burnout which I’d think of as some sort of abuse of capacity don’t you think?
We all need to be aware of our own capacities in various circumstances 🙏🏼
Yes Patrick! And I’m thinking of how when I’ve got my computer running multiple programs it gets loud and hot. It’s telling me “this is not sustainable.”
Sometimes my mind is like the equivalent to a computer with too many tabs open - then it freezes, and it’s time to start closing all non-essential tabs!
Yes!!
Yes, Caroline, and if you don't stop, it'll shut down to prevent damage. It's surprising that we humans cannot learn from things we create. It is only us who insist on pushing ourselves to breaking point.
Yes, it is, that you can work 16 hrs in a day doesn't mean you should.
Personally, I never do all that I can with all things, partly because I have never met or found anything that deserves my 100%, and also because whatever I want to do and can do, it must always be the case that I can do more.
But that's just me, maybe some people like to run at 100%. I don't envy them though.
There’s so much we “can” do but probably “shouldn’t” - right in point as always.
I’m with you, the more time goes the more I strive for balanced capacity. I think it may be one of the things that makes motherhood (parenting in general) tricky because suddenly you do have something that deserves 100% of your capacity, yet you’re unable to give it or else you will deplete yourself and the 100 will diminish to nothing.
Yes - for many people the Protestant work ethic is so deeply ingrained that they worry if they aren’t visibly, even frantically busy. When I was signed off sick with burnout I felt utterly useless. But now I feel that some of us are called to step aside from the rat race and cultivate exactly the capacity the writer refers to, otherwise who will be around to respond with compassion and time to those in need?
Indeed, Miranda. We can get so used to work to the point of feeling useless when, for some reason, we cannot do it. However, as you rightly put it, some should "see the light", even if only so that they can show compassion to the many who may not.
That's right!
Thank you, Jenni.
My friend was given some advice recently as she just became a new mum, which she shared with me and I think is in keeping with capacity.
The idea is that we wake every day and determine how much energy or capacity we have to give. For example, you might wake up and feel utterly rubbish and think "I am only going to be able to achieve the bare minimum today, which requires say, 30%".
You take this into consideration when planning your day, sharing responsibilities with significant others and factoring in necessary daily tasks. It's also important to be open about what capacity you DO have to give with people around you.
Some days you'll have more capacity than others, some days you'll be on a home run, experiencing consecutive days of 80% plus. On those days you might feel able to go for lunch with friends and then pop round your in-laws for an afternoon cuppa, before coming home and cooking a new recipe from scratch. Or you might not. Everyone's capacity percentage is individual to them.
What I took from this little piece of advice was to think about what energy YOU need for YOU, and then what you have "left over" to dish out during the day. Don't be handing out energy recklessly because you might find yourself without the energy needed to complete some of your necessary tasks, and we all know what it feels like to have done very little some days and then feel annoyed at ourselves for not achieving anything throughout the day.
We might be able to cut ourselves some slack and feel more accomplished if we started off those days knowing we only had x% capacity to give to begin with.
Yes love this! Thank you Charlotte for sharing this!! I resonate very much with it as I’ve progressively unscheduled everything I could since becoming a mum to have as much wiggle room as possible… you cannot plan if your baby will be up all night or not, so always need to have the backup of powering through on zero sleep for example at which moment the capacity will be very limited for anything else than you and your children.
To always remember the capacity at the start of each day definitely takes off the guilt feelings that tend to come otherwise…
Appreciate you! xx
This is just the best advice I've seen on this topic. Thank you for sharing!
I talk about my "dimmer switch" - where is my dimmer switch today?
Entirely "off", "on" or somewhere in between. Its here I could apply those percentages you talk about.
Here's what I wrote about this (https://ofmappery.substack.com/p/a-softer-approach-to-life-mapambo)
"On or off
Like a light switch
Either, or …
Some days, I feel that I’m switched “ON”
The energy flows - I’m fully on it
I am lit
Some days, I feel like I’m totally switched “OFF”
Shut down. Disconnected. Powered down. Immobilised.
I am blown out
What if …
There’s a continuum? Or a mid way point?
Between on and off where I can embrace middle ground?
Perhaps today, I’m a dimmer switch
I’m turning the dial to half way
My energies and light are not too bright, not completely shut off
Softened, diffused but not extinguished
Balanced, steady"
Yes! This is brilliant advice. To look at it in this way makes so much sense. You wouldn't spend a limited budget on a new pair of shoes say, if you didn't have enough to pay the bills, well probably not anyway. The critical things for ourselves we need to do first. Otherwise too, what good are we to those around us if we run ourselves to the limit?
Ohhh capacity, yes!! I always go back to thinking about airplanes and oxygen masks. There’s a very real reason that we’re asked to attend to ourselves first; I can only help you once I’ve helped myself. I can only give to you once I’ve allowed myself space.
Also, you are an INCREDIBLE artist ❤️🔥
Yes 🙌 another fabulous example of where limited capacity is seen in the real world.
Thank you!! Even though this one was collaborative I still want to give the most credit to my husband as he did the biggest job with all the tiny French knots… 🫣❤️
I love this analogy, and it’s the reason I changed careers, it got to the point where I was giving so much and not getting what I needed in return. I was a teacher, which takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, and while I loved my job, I got to a point where I had nothing left to give. My capacity was depleted, so I have nothing to offer others.
I’m a big ‘capacity’ awareness person, I need to be as a Projector whose capacity massively ebbs and flows.
I’m also prone to having low iron, which when it’s in balance my capacity increases by a gazillion! As well as my joy!
Oooh I feel you on the iron! I had issues with it in my teenage and it was a dread when it hit. Better balances now thankfully 🙏🏼 love your capacity awareness Sarina 🥰🥰❤️
💚💚
I love your HD awareness. I'm finding, as a Sacral being with a LOT of openness, my energy is not as big as I always acted out. It has been a beautiful learning curve to align with my natural energy flow. ✨
I am a projector, as well - and a highly sensitive empath. I can get drained so easily. I’ve had to learn to plan for 1-3 reset days after any events that I know will require a lot of energy and interaction.
I feel you! Honestly I even get this after having people over for dinner! X
While I like using the concept of capacity as a way to gauge one's wellbeing, I have changed around how I approach looking after my wellbeing more than 5 years through ensuring that whatever I do is in alignment with what matters to me, ie my values. For example, even if I may have the physical capacity for a friend asking to go out but what they're suggesting does not suit me, I feel it wouldn't be great for my mental or emotional wellbeing in the end. I still do believe that the choices we make (and don't make) every day in every part of our lives is always tied to our wellbeing... Whether we feel the effects of it immediately or years down the track. ☺️
Yes you bring up such good points in reflecting the difference between physical, emotional and mental capacity and how they all intertwine 👏 I’m the same to a large extent (also when thinking of whether to accept a work proposal etc). Just that I never thought of it in the terminology of capacity. It suddenly simplifies everything for me.
Value alignment is 💯💯🙌
It is indeed a good reframe. 😊
I love your holistic view of wellbeing and absolutely resonate with being aligned with our values.
I love this frame. When I was promoted to my last job (an exec/C-suite role), one of the major changes I had to make to my approach was to make sure I didn’t stack my days so full that I couldn’t be available to react or support the team when things came up. I love the idea of broadening that approach to leaving myself some capacity so I am not already overbooked when opportunities arise or when I need some space to think, sleep, whatever.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience in such a concrete way - if we fill up all the space there’s, as you say, nothing left for emergencies, opportunities and even more important perhaps the lack thereof (rest, eat etc).
I also resonate with the concept of capacity! I’m not sure I had the words to call it out so clearly before Emma’s interview, but I know it’s something I’ve been actively aware of since my youngest turned 16 and became more independent.
It’s been a year since she began to drive and can now get herself where she needs to be. And I came to realize just how exhausted I had become over the last decade of running her to all her sporting events, building a business with my husband, trying to keep up with the house, and still make incremental steps towards my own creative ambitions.
Now that I have more time and space, I’m unapologetically establishing boundaries with everyone around me - and protecting them fiercely - so I have the “capacity” to return to my half-finished manuscripts and unrealized dreams.
I’ve already been navigating life based on intuitive resonance and alignment - now that addition of the capacity perspective feels like it creates the perfect trifecta 💕
Oh I can totally see what a shift that must be when the children no longer need you to the same extent… I imagine I will almost have forgotten what it’s like to have time over 😅 inspiring that you’re sure to reclaim that time right away and set those boundaries - thank you so much for sharing your story Darcey I really appreciate it 🥰
Yes, it’s a huge shift - so savor every moment of their youth while you can Elin! 🥰Protecting my boundaries has not come easy. It took a year just to begin to adjust to the changes. And I still have bouts of ambiguous grief that are difficult to describe. I highly recommend you create good boundaries and self care practices throughout the entire experience of motherhood. Especially during the first three years when postpartum depression can last longer than you expect. If I’d had a bigger support system I would have done that. By the time my children were grown it felt like I’d forgotten how to take care of myself.
This hits me and I’m acutely aware of it (speak about it frequently with my husband) as we have no support system around at all. Just moved as well so will hopefully slowly build up friendships with time but no family around to support either and have the children home full time. It helps me tremendously that we both work from home so my husband and I try to share as much as we can and do a lot of things all together which fills my cup a great deal and that I’ve designed a “work life” that is based on my passions and creativity and I can choose when and what to work on… taking your words to heart ❤️
I am mind-blown. Lately have been running at full capacity which leaves me pretty much no wiggle room to step out of that to do, well, anything. It's insane. It's pretty lame, but I've been looking for permission to step back a bit and this might have been my sign to finally do that. Thanks Elin!
You’ve got all the permission in the world (most importantly is to get it from yourself 🙏🏼❤️) to step back a bit! I know exactly how it is to run at full capacity (which also often happen without one’s aware permission?!) you’ve got this Tiffany 💯🙌
I so relate to this in regard to postpartum depression. I’ve felt increasingly at capacity over the last year since my daughter was born and subsequently have had a noticeable dip only mental health and mood but I can’t yet see where or how to make the changes that I need to gain back some space. For me it’s a physical and emotional capacity I think.
I’m at capacity finding the time to care for the physical needs of my daughter, dog, household stuff and make/create art in order to feel good but the day is so jammed packed that I feel like I’m careening from one thing to the next without the ability or time to pause and reflect. Often making and creating is what gets dropped to not even make room for stuff but just so the cup doesn’t totally overflow. But the making and creating is what connects me to everything so it hurts when I don’t have time or space for it.
Emotionally and mentally I feel completely at capacity grappling with the changes to myself/my identity in becoming a mother, supporting my husband through some big life stuff in the last few years and supporting/building a strong relationship with my sister. I have had absolutely no capacity to take on new or nurture existing friendships and a lot of relationships have fallen by the wayside leaving me feeling very isolated and lonely (on top of the loneliness that I think comes with the first years or so of motherhood). I know that staying connected to people would be helpful but I feel so at capacity that I can’t and it becomes a vicious cycle.
One a side note, I so enjoy your writing Elin. Even when I can’t make/create myself I still find a small reprieve resting in the creativity of others.
Oh Pippa I feel you so much on all of this ❤️❤️❤️ through both the transition into motherhood with all it entails emotionally, physically, (identity wise) I’ve also sadly reached capacity for some friendships and just not had the energy to keep it up. Throw in three international moves and it hasn’t been ideal… and it it wasn’t for my oldest to meet new friends I’d happily be hibernating for a good while longer rather than trying to find new relationships and yet I can also feel lonely never having experienced the “village” or “support system” that so many are referencing being vital for their survival. So paradox but so real. You’re not alone in whatever you’re feeling 🙏🏼❣️
Grateful to have you here and so glad you enjoy my writing, it means the world to me as it has lightened up a little fire inside again after a long period of “just carrying on”. I’m now able to connect and express through my phone after bedtime while being a present mom during the day 🙏🏼🥂 win win!
When I became chronically ill I learnt I’d been running at full capacity all the time. Always the yes person, always the perfectionist. And my world tumbled down. Ive had to learn about energy envelopes and learn to stay within them. To exhaust my capacity now will seriously impact my health for weeks to come. It’s been a hard and very necessary journey. Self care for me is now about self preservation. Maybe that’s how it needs reframing, not the self care that’s an extra and quite nice to indulge in, but self preservation that is necessary and a right not an indulgence.
This is such a powerful reframe indeed: self care as self-preservation 🙏🏼 I’m going to bring this with me, thank you for sharing 🙏🏼❣️
As someone who is still trying to understand how to NOT work on full capacity at all times (and has already experienced burnout because of this), I can attest that always operating at full capacity NEVER helps. It's draining. There were days where I felt like I could not breathe because "wait, did I not allot time for breathing in my life?"
It sounds weird, but we unknowingly forget to do basic things like taking a moment to breathe when life gets chaotic. Thank you for writing about this Elin, because acknowledging this is a huge step. And I hope more and more people get to read this.
Thank you Mansi for reading and for being here! It’s very true also that it takes time and effort to learn to rest…. I’ve had to learn that the hard way 🙏🏼
Yes, capacity is a familiar concept to me. In fact, one of my favourite phrases is "cultivating our capacity". Our well-being has everything to do with our capacity and I have found it is about listening, listening within and checking how our energy is doing. Do we actually want to do that thing or is that one of our shoulds that is urging us on. I've found rest, as hard as it is to most of us in this fast paced world, can be just as, or even more "productive" than simply doing. I have a whole gripe around the word productivity in general. Perhaps it is time to redefine that according to our individual energetic capacities. Wouldn't that be a nourishing world to live in?
Oh yes you’re so right Sylvia, would be a less energy draining world at least! I’ve also started to find that resting is sometimes more productive than anything else (napping with my kids for example) 🙏🏼
I read this and I was at a loss of words.
Thankyou for sharing a part of your story.
I am currently discovering my capacity. As a 26 year old new to the entrepreneurial journey of a freelancer.
There have been times before I went on my mental journey of recovery when I was always over-encumbered with everything and couldnt possibly have time, yet I Still tried to help others even though I couldn't help myself.
Now fast-forward a couple years, I feel my internal is at peace. or as close to it as possible.
I Battle with procrastination (who doesnt right?)
Now it is trying to find what the "Balance" is between actig out on my dream of helping others and taking time for myself.
Most the time I feel I dont put in enough work, but there are moments where I feel burnout is taking over.
Here is to the journey of discovery. 🙏
It’s always a slippery slope and as someone who has been an entrepreneur my whole adult life… I think it’s a never ending journey of trying to find balance as the external circumstances constantly change… doesn’t mean it’s impossible just that it emphasizes on flexibility (which is really the greatest benefit of creating your own thing)
You’ll do amazing! Excited to have you along Rob!
I'm reading the book "The Practice of Groundless" by Brad Stulburg, and I think the premise aligns very much with what you are sharing. We live in a society that is "go go go"; We are taught to achieve and be outcome-based.
This constant striving leaves us empty and eventually without "capacity."
In 2022-23, I lost 140 pounds and have kept it off so far. What's different this time is that I've consistently focused on actions that align with my values and cultivated feelings of joy. I've had various levels of capacity for different levels of effort throughout the journey and adjusted based on that. It's become a practice of being okay with where I'm at right now and being OK with and recognizing what I have the capacity for.
Oooh instantly adding that book to my tbr list! Thank you for sharing, really appreciate it - so valuable to hear various stories of how the recognition of capacity has impacted one’s life
Great book, and love everything Brad Stulburg puts out! 🙌🏻
And congratulations on such a massive life shift… what an incredible approach (and commitment!) you’ve designed for yourself, Matthew.
I hated when I would see people trying to sell “self care” to woman in the early stages of motherhood. It was always so unrealistic unless you have a baby who slept through the night and napped for 2 hours 3 times a day and was happy to lay on a play at the rest of the time!
I love the idea of framing self care as finding things you won’t do, taking away instead of adding when you are really at the point of no capacity. And after a while when your capacity increases you will be able to start adding.
I feel you so much on this one Tansie!! Due to these unrealistic narratives, especially for new mothers, I ended up feeling like a failure so often (my first is a very strong-willed who woke me every hour for the first year and refused to nap during the day too…. It was…. A disaster 😅)
It stands to reason that pushing our capacity to the limit would be bad for us and yet we do it, or have done it. Over and over. Is it because we let things creep up? Just another little thing to add to the list that ends up pushing us over the edge?
It's taken years of self-awareness to notice that my limit for capacity, or my energy levels as I see it, are very finely tuned. If I don't pay attention, it can be disastrous. Self-protection is key for me now. It means my life is different to how it was. I love my quiet life, even though I know friends and family find the change in me..... unfathomable perhaps?
It’s very interesting you me think how friends and family are amazed and can’t fully grasp it…. I’ve experienced similar in various situations and I think it comes down to learning to understand and listen to ourselves compared to what others expect of us 🙏🏼 thank you for being here Susan!
This conversation has really made me think about this.
I choose to spend my time painting and running a business around this - website, socials and Substack etc and it takes up most of my time. There is so much less of me to go round others. Consequently, I miss out on social time with friends. That's my choice, it's what I choose to do most of the time because it's important to me. But that makes me a little sad too.
I do meet up with friends for lunch occasionally but I don't drink for example, any more. I'm 58 this year and I have dreams I want to achieve. My capacity isn't what it used to be and so I have to be mindful of those choices.