I'm bad at asking for help and it's embarrassing
To choose an unconventional path doesn't mean you don't have the right to seek and receive support
Hi there,
I frequently ponder on why we’ve become so conditioned to believe that we must figure everything out ourselves. This includes both personal and professional roles.
To ask for support with your art business can, just like asking for help being a mother, sometimes feel shameful. Like a failure.
Is it because modern cultures leave no room for flexibility, the grey zone, the unconventional, the intangible…. LIFE?!
To be an artist is seen as something out of the norm, something you’re supposed to fail at, which somehow easily becomes an internalised self-fulfilling prophecy for anyone who gives it a go and doesn’t succeed instantly.
→ I had this experience with my art before becoming a mother.
Once I went from maiden to mother I saw the overlaps in those realities. Not that motherhood in itself is unconventional… More so the way you do it if it doesn’t fit the mould of where you live/are from.
When you have your children
How you bring your child into the world
Where and How you choose to raise your children
Etc…
It’s mind-blowing really that we’re so programmed into binary thinking of do:s and don’t:s that merely the thought of embracing the complexity of what it means to be alive is a challenge.
No artist will succeed in the same way as another, because the art, time and place in which it’s being born will never be identical to that of someone else.
It’s the same with motherhood and childrearing. I remember Gabor Maté saying in an interview that no siblings have the same parents, because the circumstance and growth stage of each parent will be different for each child.
Difference is a magical thing when we allow ourselves to see it as a source of richness as opposed to threat to stability.
Imagine how dull the world would be if nobody challenged status quo, if nobody acted on their urge to be artists!
Our mission as creative souls is to add flavour and colour to the daily mundane. Our work has always been essential for cultures to flourish and for boosting the quality of everyday life for individuals and communities across the globe.
Art isn’t some afterthought activity.
Art is the main event.
It’s the starter, main course AND dessert if you want it to be.
Heck life at large, the way we lead ourselves in the world is an art itself… A continuous evolving project.
So then… Why can’t we ask for help?!
Why is it so hard?
→ I think it’s because choosing an unconventional path within any domain makes you believe that you no longer have the right to ask for help.
That you somehow just have to suck it up. Accept the consequences of your choices to go off the beaten path… Like “Sorry, got no answers for you… except… come back?”.
I’ve written about unsolicited advice before, which comes aplenty both in response to your artistry and the way you raise your children.
Though I’ve been at this for soon a decade, I still find it difficult (and sometimes embarrassing!!) to articulate with what and when I need help. I’ve internalised the mantra “I can do it all” for so long that to break out of it is a struggle in itself.
I’m writing this as a public announcement that YOU ARE NOT ALONE if you also struggle to reach out for support when you feel like you shouldn’t.
Just because you choose something different compared to your immediate surrounding, or because you DREAM about something different, doesn’t neglect your right to seek and receive support.
Personally, reading about other’s experiences has been hugely helpful in not feeling like there is anything wrong with me. So if nothing else, I hope this does the same for you (and you can read through my archive here)
Ps. This is also why I wrote the book “When Will You Get A Real Job?”, because it was the most frequently asked question I received when I set out to be a professional artist 9 years ago… Paying readers get it as an instant download to your kindle immediately upon upgrading ❤️
If you’re currently thinking:
“WOOOOW She read my mind! I do need someone to do this artsy thing with”, then you’re warmly invited to come check out my 1:1 mentoring… Maybe it’s for you?
Warmly,
Elin xx
More reading about unsolicited advice:
You’ll be judged no matter what you do, so you might as well be judged for being you
Self-sabotage as a socially accepted norm for mother artists 🔒
Chose Marriage kids or art / business and all of a sudden everyone knows what’s best for you 😂🫣 I feel you sister!
And when it comes to asking for help, maybe it’s also that it’s much harder to find people we relate to once we are on the unconventional path? It for sure feels more lonely so the hands we hold in form of mentoring / coaching can be even more fulfilling because we aren’t alone, totally agree with you ! So worth the investment financially, mentally, emotionally… Xx
Isn’t it interesting that all the unsolicited advice is so unhelpful and people give advice in ways, and about things that I don’t need help with. That probably does add to why I don’t ask for help. My friends that would actually be helpful are also juggling their art businesses! I know my reasons for not asking for help is so deeply layered…I appreciate your post because the fact that our work is so different from the norm is another layer I wasn’t giving enough credit to. 😆