Why I do what I do as an artist

A personal essay

Hi there,

This is Follow Your Gut, a publication about the artist life and business from a soon decade long independent artist career. Come join? 💜

I’m soon thirty and it’s not until now that I’m realizing that I’m quite neurospicy (it feels more empowering to call myself spicy than divergent, and labels always makes me choke so I avoid them for myself at all cost).

Not only that, I’m realizing that I’m in fact an introvert - a social introvert meaning I enjoy to be social. But it drains me to bits and I sometimes feel like I need a two week vacation after just speaking to other parents for an hour during my daughter’s dance class...

I adore to live in the countryside as it feels like I can finally breathe and soothe my never-silent-mind, while I also long for the inspiration that always shoots to the roof while in Paris observing people and buildings.

It’s like I AM both (or all), but we’re taught to choose. Be like this or like that. But what if I’m like this AND that?

It’s the same about how to lead your life.

We’re taught to choose a box, or rather, other people will try to put you into one that you most resemble.

But what if I’m hanging in between, not only two, but seven different boxes? And my neurons keep jumping at lightning speed between all of them at various points throughout the day and night (yes, the brain doesn’t shut off at night either).

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I’m grateful to my husband for inviting me to see these traits as positive. That I have to accept and not fight (or try to fix) it.

Like, how I tend to juggle a million projects at once, always questioning why I keep coming up with new ideas? Aren’t the already existing ones good enough?

Of course they are! All the ideas are! And to take on some more isn’t a sign that I’m failing at self control; but more so it’s how my spicy-ness functions.

Give me one plate and I’ll find ten more.

In highschool I remember how my teacher was worried that I’d burn out. Because I did so many things. I never understood her concern.

What? But what should I do? Sit and roll my thumbs?

I know it’s funny now, having kids and all, and I can’t think of anything more desirable than a silent hour doing nothing but chilling in the sofa. The irony is that I’d last for five minutes before I’m up writing, painting, embroidering or making something else.

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I thought I was a failure for not enjoying Yoga like I should. It stressed me more than anything to be forced to stay in an uncomfortable position for longer periods of time.

This doesn’t mean that I’m neurotic or hyperactive. I’m actually really chill.

I just love to create things, and my mind functions best when it is allowed to be in movement and free to roam around without the directions (or limitations) from some external source.

“Shoulds” lead to nothing but a connection error, and the enjoyment for whatever I “should” do always crashes to zero.

Though, if I can throw in a few bombs to create a really overwhelming mess around the should (and reeeeeaaaallly spice it up), then I’m in!

By the way… This is a very odd type of essay, I get that.

But I’m in quite an existential moment having just received shocking news about my relatively young aunt’s passing. I feel like crying just typing it out. She was too young. It was too soon.

So in proper existential practice, I ponder on who I am, what I do and at a larger scale, why people do what they do (or don’t do) while they’re alive.

Why do we do what we do in the ways we do them?

And how do we feel about the things we do when faced with a possible early end to life?

• Did we do what we wanted to do or did we do what we thought we ought to be doing?

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After quite a long intro trying to hype myself up by positioning my over-making as a spicy trait, I have come to the simple conclusion:

All that matters (to me on an individual level) is to be free to create and try things.

I notice that whenever life throws a curveball, the default is always making. More art. More adventures. Especially when there’s no time for it, but that’s when it’s even more important to do it (for me).

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Today we spent the entire day in a big park we’ve never been to before. To navigate emotions.

They had about ten playgrounds in there, so the girls were beyond thrilled. The restaurant was over priced though, so we ended up in a classic Belgian Friterie (French-fries-shop), which that too, brought nothing but smiles and ketchup stains.

In between toilet visits, playing and car rides I scribbled this text up.

It’s not directly related to the events that have unfolded these past couple of days, but it’s what came flowing, and writing helps me to regulate, so I write.

At first I thought I wasn’t going to share it, but then I thought again. Maybe there are more neuro-spicy folks out there who wonder what’s wrong with them, when in fact they just experience another type of normal.

Because what’s even normal at the end of the day?

Or an even better question; what would you want to be YOUR normal? And how to get there? How to accept your normal and be happy about it?

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Before going out this morning I also picked up an empty canvas and started stitching on yet another new project.

The needle and thread was calling my name.

The tactility of the threads in your hands, feeling the textures on your finger tips… there’s just something magical about embroidery that keeps me coming back (not just because it’s also my job).

So I stitched.

I started with a chair, added a table and another chair imagining how my aunt is arriving in heaven where she can sit at that table and drink a good cup of coffee. That’s how it goes right?

Anyway, all this waffling to say that I once again used making as my coping mechanism (twofold, by embroidering AND writing) and that I’m realizing that this is just how I am.

To make things helps to regulate, whether you need to be soothed, comforted, or feel inspired and excited, making things (and allowing yourself to make whatever), is healing to both body and soul.

Thank you for reading, I’m off to bed now,

Elin xx

Life’s too short to not listen to your gut, so better get on with it now before it’s too late.

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I’ve also just launched my book-funding campaign for my next physical book: Travel The World Through The Eye Of A Needle.

To learn more and follow the project unfold in real time, head to the Petronella Art Magazine 💜