How to live with three languages daily
Writers and parents answer the questions you always wondered
Today’s interactive article is going to be a real linguistic treat:
Two non-native English speakers attempting to write a collaborative guide in English around the influence of language on their own (and those of their respective children’s) lives.
To manage your own multi-lingual reality is one thing. To do so while parenting, is yet another mind-blowing reality. Through a fun and informative Q&A,
and will add their two cents of what it’s like behind the curtain (or inside the head?!) of living with multiple languages on a daily basis.For context:
Elin is native Swedish married to a Frenchman. They met in Paris, married in Sweden and run businesses together in English. Having lived in 6 countries over the past 8 years (2 without children and 4 with children), they’ve recently settled in Belgium with their two girls (10 months and 3.5 years).
Remy is native French married to a Russian woman, they met and married in London where they have been residing ever since. They have two little girls (ages 5 and 2). They speak to each other in English but each speaks to their kids in their native language.
Q: What’s your relationship to languages?
Elin:
I’ve always loved languages as they naturally expand your world. A language is not only a way of communication, but also a fundamental building block of understanding and integrating with a culture.
For example, had I not been fluent in French, I would’ve never understood what my mother in law (or husband for that matter) meant every time they say “Enjoy”. It freaked me out at first, as it’s not something you’d say in Swedish (I’m not even sure how I’d properly translate it as it just sounds weird…)
Remy, please correct me if I’m wrong, but to “profiter” in French, which in English becomes literally “to profit” or generally “to enjoy”, is (more than anything) a reflection of French culture that enjoyment of life is an essential cornerstone of being French.
Remy:
As someone who studied theatre and drama, language was pretty important. For a long time, I worked on diction, versification, and all the drama-related language elements in French, before completely switching overnight to English and barely speaking French since.
I think having several languages is a blessing, as it’s really a window onto another culture. It’s very hard for native English speakers to keep learning new languages, as English is so overpowering that the need to learn pretty much stops. This is a curse and a blessing for English speakers.
I must say that in France, they really try to get us to learn languages, at least two extra ones, but I’m always amazed and puzzled at the generally poor English level there.
Perhaps they don’t need to because, as Clemenceau once said, “English is just badly pronounced French.” 😉
Q: Did you ever imagine living with multiple languages on a daily basis?
Elin:
Being from a relatively small country (population wise), I always knew I’d have to speak more languages if I wanted another life than the one proposed to me back home.
Frankly, I saw languages as a big part of my “escape plan”. So when high-school rolled around I immediately went for the International Baccalaureate program in English, while pursuing a French language diploma as an extra on the side (you know just in case I’d end up needing it…).
Turns out, the French effort became very useful as I met my husband in Paris and needed a way to communicate with my mother in law (and now children as they have a preference for French…I don’t blame them!).
Studies aside… The best way to learn a language is definitely by immersion. I would’ve never been “naturally fluent” had I not heard French on a daily basis for the past years. This includes all the subtle “between the lines'' stuff, that is very culturally ingrained.
Remy:
I really never imagined having three languages in my life. In France we are quite insular when it comes to culture and cinema, so for a long time it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to leave. As a matter of fact, I never had this urge to escape like Elin had - well, actually I have the urge not to go back nowadays, but that’s a long story. Ultimately life happened, I left for the UK as I was desperately besotted with an actress and it ended up turning my life upside down...
Q: Did you use any specific strategies to introduce and maintain three languages?
Elin:
We never worried whether they would be able to speak the languages or not…(If I can speak three languages of which 2 weren’t given to me at birth, then why wouldn’t they be able to do it too?) However, I frequently contemplate what their “cultural and linguistic” identity will be. Which language will they consider as their “foundation” and which will become fluent extras?
We decided that the community language would guide the family language. As such, while living in Sweden, we focused on French but still kept English between the two of us (we met in English and is thus our love-language of sorts). We also knew that we didn’t want to stay to raise our family in Sweden, so it felt important to me that our children get a solid French as it will serve them more in a global world.
When my daughter turned 1.5 we embarked on a nomadic adventure that lasted almost 2 years during which it felt even more important to solidify a language base considering the addition of a 4th community language. She still picked up some Slovene (my second daughter was born in Slovenia last year), from the playground and supermarket, which just shows how children are incredible sponges.
We’ve now arrived in the French-speaking part of Belgium, where we plan to build our home-base. My firstborn speaks perfect French and understands everything in English and Swedish without difficulty. Now that the community language is her native, we’re progressively switching to more Swedish and English at home (my husband understands and speaks decent Swedish too, so he makes great efforts where he can).
Remy:
We were a bit anxious about introducing so many languages to our kids, as we had read that children exposed to multiple languages could experience delays in their language development. Our strategy was straightforward: we would each speak only our native language to our kids, and this approach proved successful. Of course, the kids get a bit confused at times, but we haven’t noticed any delays in their development. They automatically switch languages depending on whom they're talking to.
Q: What’s the main perk of having three languages?
Elin:
I think there are endless perks! A big one is their awareness and openness to the world, which will be significantly larger already from the start. By speaking and understanding different languages they know that there are people who live differently in different places and I hope it will bring an inherent sense of curiosity.
Remy:
For the kids, I believe it will eventually be amazing. I hope that someday they’ll achieve native-level proficiency in three languages, a skill I wish I possessed. Within the family, I’m the odd one out, being only bilingual. For the life of me, I can’t seem to grasp Russian. So, they can use this language for their secret plotting.
Q: What’s the main disadvantage?
Elin:
The greatest disadvantage is communication with family. Despite spending 4 months in Sweden this past summer, my daughter utterly refuses to speak Swedish (even though she understands it perfectly and I speak it to her daily). She stubbornly answers both me and my parents in French to which they just have to guess (or I translate). Nevertheless, I find it amazing how she can have such a strong preference so early (for example, she enjoys English much more than Swedish funnily enough). We’ll see how it goes! Though I’m not too worried as both the girls will have daily exposure for as long as they stay at home (Thank God they’re still young ha!).
Remy:
Frankly, for us, it’s the political situation with Russia. There is a lot of hostility towards anything Russian currently, especially in the UK. In general it’s mostly fine, but sometimes people get agitated because they hear Russian, or think someone is Russian. It makes my wife miserable, as truly there is not much she can do about anything, and it makes us worried that the kids will get bullied once they go to school. But we’ll see what happens.
Q: If each of your languages were a superhero, what would their superpowers be and why?
Elin:
English is superman with its power to talk to people from all over the world.
Swedish (being a small language) I think of as the secret cape in Harry Potter, where you can suddenly hide under and none will know what you say. That said… if you do come across another Swedish when you’re out and about, you’ll always connect and become buddies (even if you would’ve never been friends back home). It’s as if the fact that you left and you’re both living in new linguistic realities, brings a sort of common ground and mutual understanding for what you’re going through.
French is just such a beautiful language and I always feel as though I “speak art” even though it’s something very simple. I always feel more inspired when surrounded by French… so it certainly has a super-power, just not sure which character I could connect it to. (Frankly, I’m thrilled to have children who get to grow up with French… what a blessing!).
Remy:
I think Russian is definitely The Hulk; it’s very loud. Sometimes I’m with my wife’s family, and I worry that they are having some kind of big argument, but in fact, they are just talking about the weather. I swear that from my point of view, it seems they are yelling at each other’s faces.
It’s probably because I’m French, and French is a pretty quiet and soft language. It is a wonderful language for kiddie words. It has all these cute pet names and sweet little words, so I think it’s a nice language for love.
English has something both regal and sharp to it. It can be soft and gentle but in general it has something fierce that I find appealing. French has much longer sentences and indirect formulations. I’d say English is The Batman: A dark hero for gritty times.
Q: Funny linguistic situations?
Elin:
My daughter’s favourite language trick (mind you she’s 3.5 with all that entails…) is to joke about “caca”, which in French means poop, whereas in Swedish “kaka” (pronounced almost the same depending on dialect) means a cake…
You can imagine how she loves to ask her grandpa if he wants to eat some “caca”. And he always says “I looove kaka” after which she habitually throws herself on the floor in laughter. Poop jokes never go wrong do they?).
Remy:
I think the most hilarious thing that happened is the first time my four year old translated for me. I can’t remember which words it was, but I was supposed to fetch something with some Russian name and my wife struggled to find the word in English. So my wife was trying to describe it to me for a while and my nearby daughter, without lifting her eyes from her toy just sighed and said the word in French for me. I was like... OK that’s it, she is rolling her eyes at me already.
Q: Any advice for parents who will be in the same situation as you soon?
Elin:
Don’t sweat it. Just follow your gut with what feels the best to you and your family dynamic. As long as your children have at least one strong mother-tongue they’ll surprise you how many additional languages they can fit in their brains... Especially if you don’t stay in one place but travel (or move) around a lot. Your children will ultimately choose which language(s) they prefer, so it’s mostly a matter of your commitment to expose them to what is important to you and your family.
Remy:
Don’t worry too much if the kids are a bit late on speaking, it’s normal. Just stick to one simple strategy and you’ll be gold.
Before we continue with the community questions, we want to send an extended thanks to everyone who engaged with the preview note.
It’s always encouraging to know that we’re more to consider these realities, thanks!
Ps. Would be amazing to hear your experience with languages in the comments
Hint also to
, who has conducted academic research on the topic in the past.There were also some interesting questions:
First from who asks about language acquisition from the child perspective:
Elin:
I was very fascinated how early my daughter (only the oldest one speaks as of now), recognised that we spoke three different languages. She finds it fun to say random glossaries at random times… For example, last night at the dinner table she suddenly started saying “Pleuvoir”- “Regnar” (to rain in French and Swedish) and some others (horse, bird etc.).
In addition to the words, she likes to say what languages she speaks, especially when we meet new people she will always tell them that she speaks French, Swedish and English. My impression is that language acquisition at this stage (a non-forced home environment) provides her a sense of pride and excitement when she realises that those around doesn’t necessarily know how to do it. She is in the “I can do everything myself” stage, so I quite like to emphasise the languages as something within her power of influence to really instil a positive association with it.
Remy:
Very natural from the child's perspective. It’s amazing, actually, to see how unintellectual the process is for them. It’s just as normal to speak to mum and dad in two different languages as it is to eat or drink. Another fun thing is that if you dare try to speak to them in a language other than the usual one, they really don’t like it!
@Terry Underwood asked two brilliant (and tricky) questions:
Are there specific thoughts that pass through your mind in slippery word choices (with real life examples)?
How does it feel to write fluently in a second language (and how are you impacted in the pre-writing phase?)
Elin:
1. I can definitely feel stressed when I can’t find a good word in a language. Ironically, it only impacts me when I speak to family and friends in my mother-tongue. It’s as if there’s a sense of shame for not being able to fully express what I want to say in my native language. Though, my excuse is that there are so many words in English and French that simply don't exist in Swedish so it becomes a work of “speaking around it” to try to convey an as similar meaning as possible… Not always an easy task!
2. For me it’s a huge sense of freedom to be able to write in multiple languages (my written French is nothing like my spoken French though… So I’d only say I’m fluent in writing in two languages: Swedish and English.) At this point in my life my brain is automatically set on English whenever I need to write something. If I am to write in Swedish I have to “consciously” switch it over to find the rhythm and correct vocabulary (which with time requires more conscious energy…).
In other words, if I write a piece in English such as this one, I never even venture into the other “language vaults” because it would simply confuse me. To further the response in relation to your comment around “translations” that I saw on notes; To be a human translating vs. a robot there’s definitely a great level of cultural influence at stake, where you need to consider what something will actually mean as opposed to just a literal translation (which tend to be two different things.)
Remy:
1. Weirdly, the longer I go, the harder it becomes for me to speak and write in French. I find myself searching for words all the time in French and sometimes struggle in conversations to avoid using English words. This is called first language attrition, and it is actually becoming an issue for me.
2. There was a switch when I stopped translating in my head and started writing directly in English. It didn’t happen overnight, but nowadays, everything starts out in English, including my diaries and my work drafts. If I ever need something in French, it becomes significantly more tricky for me (I have much better grammar in English!).
asks: I'd love to know what you both think about the similarities between learning a language and learning an “art form”, e.g. a musical instrument, painting, etc.
Elin:
This is a fun one! I never thought of language as an art-form before, but considering writing (which is dependent on language) as an art-form, naturally language acquisition could be seen as learning/expanding your artistic medium.
From this perspective I find both to have very high utility value, where language becomes another tool for self-expression. For example, English and French have much larger vocabularies than Swedish, which is one of the main reasons for why I’ve almost completely stopped reading literature in my native language… It simply feels limiting somehow. That said, I will always prioritise the original language over a translated version whenever I have the choice (which is yet another reason for why I end up hardly reading Swedish as much of what I’m interested in has been translated…).
Remy:
I believe that this depends on your ambition. If your only goal is to communicate while travelling, then naturally, it's not as complex as mastering an art form. But the minute you look beyond this, desiring to be eloquent or quirky, you become ‘conscious’ of things, and the learning curve becomes steeper (and more rewarding).
Ultimately, there are similarities because if you spend enough time immersed in and practising, you will learn; it’s unavoidable, just like with music, painting, or any other art form.
asks: How does language , food, and your family , your heritage, factor into your story telling, when writing in another language?
Elin:
Yes, it all has big influence on how you express yourself. In any language, there’s always the “in-between-the-lines” stuff. For this reason, I always try to make an effort to write as straight-to-the-point as possible to avoid too off tangent interpretations of what I really want to say.
Just as travelling brings knowledge about the place you go too, it also teaches you enormously about yourself. The same reality applies to language in my opinion, where learning a new language also provides greater insight into how language is used where you come from (your mother-tongue).
Remy:
The culture we absorb as children inevitably becomes deeply ingrained. This can be both a blessing and a curse. My approach is to turn a weakness, or what might be perceived as one, into a focal point rather than hiding it. In my writing, although I'm somewhat detached from French issues, you might occasionally notice an unusual sentence structure or word choice. I'm learning to embrace these quirks, turning them into strengths instead of erasing them.
However, I'm cautious about being typecast as 'the French guy'. Firstly, because I'm not at all connected with current events in France, and secondly, because I don't want to become a caricature of myself. In truth, my identity is split between French and British cultures; I've spent almost equal amounts of time immersed in both.
We can’t wait to hear your experiences/thoughts/questions in the comments to continue the conversation!
And don’t forget to come and join our newsletters for more reflections from multi-lingual peeps.
&Thank you so much for reading!
Remy & Elin
 | A guest post by
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Gosh, @Remy Bazerque I'm so flattered by the mention. I don't even remember what I said there, but yes, this is a topic that resonates. @Elin Petronella's reference to "caca" had me laughing too. 💩 jokes always stick the landing with toddlers, don't they? 🙌 For me it was a blending of English and Spanish as a small child growing up in the shadow of Lake (wait for it...) Titicaca. 🙄.
Today I live in Berkeley California where we were able to put our daughters in a Montessori immersion program in the 90s that combined Japanese, Chinese, and English in the same classroom. Each kid was designated to either Chinese or Japanese plus English. While it's not for everyone, both of our daughters and most every one of their friends came out of the program with a long-term love of languages. It's like a gift of culture wrapped in education.
Thank you again for the mention.
What a fun idea! I love the topic and the questions. Although I don't have kids, I'm super motivated to answer to (most) questions myself. I live with at least 3 languages daily, the local Spanish, English and a bit of French, and I also sporadically use my native Romanian, for which I definitely developed first language attrition, as Remy mentioned. I was in Germany for Christmas and I excitedly discovered that I can still speak German too, after having spent 3 years there some time ago.
So yeah, I will answer your list of questions like an expat-specific Proust questionnaire. 😂