08. I am rich on sleep I never slept
The 8th installment of the mother artist column-to-be-book
Hi there!
This is the 8th installment of the mother artist column. If you missed the previous one you can check it out here, or the overview page with all entries here.
Each instalment reads as an independent essay but binds together through the relative chronological order of events as I explore what it means to become a mother when being an independent professional artist.
In case it’s our first date here on Substack and you feel that you need to get to know my writing a bit more, I totally get it! You’re warmly invited to check out the preview below, or just head to the archive to scroll for free posts here.
Preview
The summer came and went and with it another move. We weren’t just entering a new era in business but a new home too.
Re-emerging from a life changing summer in MANY ways I felt a pinch of hope. This would be ok. We’d make it through the transition and have a safe space until the world would open up again.
There was just a catch…
I never really got to sleep in that new house
I’ve always been a big sleeper. Thinking back on pre-children life and reflecting on the term “tired” feels ironic.
Not that I wasn’t tired then. I obviously had no other reference. But pre-motherhood Elin would think motherhood Elin was a superwoman on stereoids shocked she was even alive with the amount of sleep she didn’t get.
Like, I get it that it’s an evolutionary necessity to sleep lightly in order to be able to wake up and save your baby from the lion who’s about to eat her. But WHOA ?!?! To not even be able to fall asleep when literally everyone else in the house is sleeping…? What’s the point? What’s evolutionary beneficial about that?
When you run on low enough sleep, you become a walking zombie who doesn’t even care about sleep anymore. It’s like you become indifferent to everything, which was a first for me at the time. It was deeply worrying.
Not only personally but also for the business. Thanks to the hiatus I knew what I had to double down on, but I didn’t have the energy to care except for… caring about the ways I was inadequate compared to the seemingly successful “mum-preneurs” who managed businesses and families like it was no big deal.
How long would this rollercoaster continue?
During my first year as a mother artist, I was awakened every single hour every single night. The days blended together becoming a mushy mess of sleepy grey.
I didn’t even know this level of sleep deprivation was possible. You know; I thought babies slept like… babies… as in VERY MUCH. My firstborn did not.
She was definitely not one of the sleeping-all-the-time babies that seem to be the only you hear about before you actually have a baby of your own. Our daughter could be awake for 24hrs straight if I didn’t force her to sleep. Incredible, really.
Ironically, as of writing this, we just got back from an evening car ride to get little sister to finally dose off too.
I was SO NOT prepared for the non existent sleep. I thought I was young and fit and would “bounce-back” in no time. And considering how much babies sleep (LOL), I’d be able to ease back into work quick and smoothly.
Nope. Not. Don’t think so, Mama.
There have been many occasions when I wished I became a mother pre social media. Even though I was technically not posting much anymore (relative to before), I was still not completely unschooled in the habit to go check it out.